Darkest Before the Dawn

In the early days right after Li was born, sleep was hard to come by.  Partially because I had a baby that would wake up every two and a half hours on the dot but also because my mind was racing with post-pregnancy hormones, worries and fears.   What if she stopped breathing?  What if something happened to her during the night?  What if, at 2 weeks old, she somehow flipped herself up over the railing of her crib and fell on the floor? 

Lack of sleep can do crazy things with your mind.  One of the few distinct memories I have of that time was sitting in a rocking chair in Li’s room, feeding her 4:00 a.m. From the corner of my eye, I saw something shift out the window on the street below.  When I looked, I saw nothing.  When I looked back to Li, something on the street seemed to shift again, but only when I wasn’t looking directly at it.  Half of my brain realized it was a lack of sleep combined with the street lamp shadows and the slowly dawning day, but the other half was sure that there was something in the shadows outside that was waiting to steal my baby.  I was sure morning was never going to come and I would have to keep vigil over her forever.

I’ve always had an overactive imagination.  Sleep deprivation does not do much to help that situation. 

So where am I going with this? 

From the corner of my eye, my life is shifting.  And while I could easily see only doom and misery- I could also choose to see it for what it is. 

I readily admit that I can be a pessimist.  I get stuck sometimes thinking that things will stay the way they are forever.  Right now, this winter seems endless and we’ll be frozen in ice and snow forever.  The time away from Brisket is going to be hell.  That I’m going to be stuck in a thankless job and in a situation I’m powerless to change. 

But really?  Morning is coming.   It might not be only a half-hour away, but it is still on its way.

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Categories: deployment, Hus (Brisket), Li, me | Leave a comment

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