I freely admit that I’m a pessimist. Well, that’s not quite right…maybe more of a reformed pessimist? A pessimist who has jumped on the jolly, happy, chipper, sunshine-y bandwagon of optimism? A defunct pessimist?
Let’s go with a defunct pessimist who has the tendency to lapse back into pessimism when she’s hungry or woken too early in the morning.
Once, long ago, in my careless youth, I convinced myself that by not hoping for the best- and expecting the worst- I could never be disappointed. Because when bad things happened- and they would, LIKE I EXPECTED- I wouldn’t be surprised. Which would make it hurt less when that bad thing happened.
Except…and I’ve only consciously realized this over the past few years…it does still hurt. And the cold satisfaction that I gain from saying that I KNEW the bad thing was going to happen doesn’t take that hurt away.
I recently read The Dirty Life. The book was a true story- and an interesting concept in it was that the author’s husband believed in a circle of luck and goodwill. He believes that the universe is generally a good place, and would watch out for him. Nine times out of ten, he believed, the situation- any situation- would turn out somehow in his favor.
That concept baffled me. Who was he to believe that the universe cared about him? If anything, that kind of thinking would ensure that whatever he had would be taken away! He was just asking to be knocked down a peg or two!
I told Brisket about it- and was genuinely surprised when he told me he pretty much believed the same thing.
Well…that kind of shut me up.
Mostly because, I want a circle of luck! I want a circle of goodwill! I want to believe that, in the end, it’ll all be ok- in fact, it’ll probably be even better than I expected!
Except, it’s not something that you fall into blindly. You can’t be gifted with a circle of goodwill. It’s a mindset.
As much as my pessimistic habits may rail against it, I working on that mindset. I want Li to have that mindset. I even want Stella to have that mindset*.
So, if you ever get caught in one of my rants on the failures of the world, feel free to nudge me in the right direction. You may want to offer me a doughnut or a nap first though.
* In truth, I think Stella already HAS that mindset.